Saturday, August 9, 2008

Ode to Jim: If You Don't Read This, Your Genitals Will Turn Gangrenous and Fall Off

WTF?! What is with people sending me horrible "Read this or everyone you love will die" chain emails?!
Jeebus! Some psycho has gotten my email address!
So, I open up my email this morning and this is what I find waiting in my in-box:

Read Alone..... Especially the Poem

The poem is very true, unfortunately.

Make sure you read the poem!

So I'm thinking... Interesting teaser. A little creepy, but ok...I'll read a little further. Then I come to this:

CASE 1: Kelly Sedey had one wish,
for her boyfriend of three years,
David Marsden, to propose to her.
Then one day when she was out
to lunch David proposed!
She accepted, but then had to leave
because she had a meeting in 20 min.
When she got to her office,
! ! (Loved the punctuative suspenseful build-up!)
she noticed on her computer she had some e-mail's.
She checked it, the usual stuff
from her friends, but then she saw one
that she had never gotten before.
It was this poem. She simply deleted it
without even reading all of it.
BIG MISTAKE! Later that evening,
she received a phone call from the
police. It was about DAVID! He had been in an accident
with an 18 wheeler. He didn't survive!

CASE 2: Take Katie Robinson. She received this poem
and being the believer that she was
she sent it to a few of her friends but
didn't have enough e-mail addresses to send out
the full 5 that you must.
Three days later, Katie went to a masquerade ball..
Later that night when she left to get to her car,
she was killed in that spot by a
hit-and-run drunk driver.

CASE 3: Richard S. Willis sent this poem out within 45 minutes of reading it.
Not even 4 hours later walking along the street
to his new job interview with a really big company!
when he ran into Cynthia Bell,
his secret love for 5 years. Cynthia came up to him
and told him of her passionate crush on him
that she had had for 2 years.
Three days later, he proposed to her and they got married.
Cynthia and Richard are still married
with three children, happy as ever!

Next thought... Whoa! Holy shit! A killer poem. I've GOT to read on.

This is the poem:
Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,

Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,

For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows
I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
'Tomorrow' I say! 'I will call on Jim

Just to show that I'm thinking of him.'

But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
'Here's a telegram sir,' 'Jim died today.'
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
Remember to always say what you mean.
If you love someone, tell them.
Don't be afraid to express yourself.
Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you.
Because when you decide that it is the right time it might
be too late.
Seize the day. Never have regrets.
And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped
make you the person that you are today.

You must send this on in 3 hours after reading the letter
to 10 other people.
If you do this, you will receive unbelievably good luck.
*NOTE*
If you don't send this to at least 10 people, you and everyone you love will DIE horribly!

WTF? WTF? WTF?
Who the hell is Jim? And why is he a psycho poem killer?
What kind of karmic hell have I been thrust into where I have to choose between dying horribly for not passing on this retarded poem or having all my wildest dreams come true by subjecting at least 10 people to this literary monstrosity?!
Who is it that wants to tell me that they love me so much that they wish me DEAD...?
...
Oh yeah - it was my sister. Freaking psycho.
Talk about tainted love.
(Musical Interlude ~ I'll let you choose between The Clash and the Marilyn Manson version. I went with Marilyn. Yeah... I thought it was that skeevey)

So...
Hopefully at least 10 of you will read this little poem of doom in the next 3 hours. If you don't I may be dead by morning.
My blood will be on YOUR hands.


<3,
Your nothing-but-peace-and-love-wishing, but doomed-by-vengeful-chain-email friend,
~Jane

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Jane's Presidential endorsement

Yes, I know! It's been burning on your minds: Who is Jane endorsing for president?!



See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Could it be any worse than it already is?


<3,

Your write-in vice presidential candidate ~ Jane

(This message was approved by the Paris for President, Jane for Vice President joint venture committee.)