Whatever Happened To The Good Old Fashioned Nervous Breakdown?!

Let me start by saying: If there is anyone who deserves a nervous breakdown moment, it's me!

Whatever happened to the bygone age when women were delicate little flowers to be nurtured and pampered because too much stress might put us into the throws of a good old fashioned nervous breakdown?
Seriously! You did not arrive in society - you were a nobody - unless you'd done at least a week's time in your bed overwrought with nerves.

The list of famous people from the '40's - '70's that suffered from nervous breakdowns reads like a who's who list of legends. Marilyn Monroe. Judy Garland. Lana Turner. Vivien Leigh. Agatha Christie.


I remember spending summers with my grandmother as a child. It was a rainy day. My brother and I had spent the afternoon cooped up in the "den" watching TV and bickering. When the bickering reached a particularly fevered pitch (and after several warnings), my grandmother appeared at the doorway looking harried and a bit wild with a glass of water in one hand and several little pills in the other. She wailed in a shaky, shrill voice, "Now look at what you kids made me do! You've made me have to take a nerve pill!!"
I was in awe. There was actually a pill that you could take to give you NERVE! Courage! Wow! If the Cowardly Lion had known about this magic pill, he NEVER would have had to make that terrible long journey to the Emerald City to visit The Wizard for courage - noive, as he called it.
I couldn't wait to tell my mother when she came to get us. We had to GET some of these Nerve Pills!
Strangely, after taking the Nerve Pills my grandmother spent the remainder of the afternoon napping in bed. When I told my mother about it, she said: "Yeah...she had to take nerve pills pretty much on a daily basis when we were kids. I think she got them when she dragged Uncle David behind the car that one time. Or maybe she drug him behind the car BECAUSE she had taken the nerve pills. I don't really remember. Anyway, it's no matter. She's been taking them for years."


So what I really want to know is: Where did I go wrong?! Or better yet, where did my mother go wrong?! (Always blame the mother, don't you know?!) Where did I get this steel magnolia resolve that is so anti-feminine in nature?

I deserve a fucking nervous breakdown, dammit!!!!!!! I've earned it!
Not a full-on complete and total committable breakdown, mind you. Just enough to earn me a little extra vacation time where everyone will leave me the hell alone. Actually, in retrospect, the committable nervous breakdown doesn't sound so bad.... Some mind altering drugs. A little reading time in bed. No responsibilities. Pajama day EVERY DAY!!
Hell, combined with my 3 weeks paid vacation, I could be on to something here.

Over and out for now.

<3,
Your irritatingly sane, but evil genius ~ Jane

Desperately Seeking Jane

This blog was really created to give me an outlet to say the things that are really on my mind - the things that would probably get me in trouble if I voiced them in my day-to-day life. A place where I can speak uncensored, be completely myself, and not worry about social eggshells. I've told very few people about my blog. And I'm always amazed when someone comes across it randomly. SiteMeter, the counter service that I use, has a handy little feature that tells me what search terms people have used to arrive at my blog. I find it fascinating (and usually amusing) to see what search strings have lead people who do not know me to my little slice of the internet.

But…I’m a little disturbed by some of what I see, people. Morbid, fascination, y’know. I’m not sure if I’m more disturbed that this is what led you to my site, or that my site delivered. So...of course I had to share.

Search term: Girl inside artificial mare

• Jane’s response: Why the hell did you put her in there?! And holy shit!! Let her out! Sounds like a Law & Order: SVU episode waiting to happen! Creeeeeeepy!!
  

Search term: Alien artificial insemination

• Jane's response: You have problems larger than my humble little blog can help you with, buddy. But...can I see that baby when it comes out?! Freaky!
  

Search term:Screw a chicken

• Jane’s response: This one came from Arkansas. ‘Nuff said. I hear they screw other animals there too. And siblings. Yeah. Ick! All those feathers... Eesh!
  

Search term: Inseminator girl

• Jane's response: Sounds like bad '80's porn with an Arnold Schwarzenegger-esque main character. Bow chicka wow wow...
  

Search term: The “douchebag patrol”

• Jane’s response: Awww crap! They’re organizing! But let me help you out, dude. www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com for all your social networking needs - where the popped-collar-snuggy-shirt, faux-hawk hairdo, sideways peace sign and vacant-stared-poochy-lipped facial expressions are all the rage.

Search term: Artificial insemination for dummies

• Jane's response: Let me save you $20 at Barnes & Noble, friend - here's what you need: girly mags, lotion, and a turkey baster. Everything else is a waste of money. Not that I know anything about that... Really...I don't!
  

Search term: Militant pansy fairy blowjob

• Jane's reponse: Sweetpea... Didn't anyone tell you that we've inducted a "Don't Ask Don't Tell" Policy here in the US? Not that there's anything wrong with that...
  

That's all I've got for now.

<3,
~Jane

An Open Letter To The Douchebag Who Drives The Porsche With The "Porsche" Vanity Plate

Dear Douchebag,

As pleasant as our morning commute passings are, there are a few things I'd like to get off my chest:

• It is not necessary to drive 55 mph in the fast lane of a 70 mph highway, forcing all other cars to pass you to the right. Every.Freaking.Day! Learn to move, drive, or insure your car. You choose. Holy christ! You have a porsche and a radar detector! Drrrrive that baby!
  
• The backward-hat-douchbag look that you sport is sooooo passe. Lose the 1994 look for something a little more now...like the 10-degree-hat-tilt-douchebag look. You'll still look like a douchebag, but at least you'll be a contemporary douchebag.
• If you're going to listen to your music so loud that I can feel the bass in MY chest as I pass you on the highway with my windows closed, please make it something good instead of that wannabe wigger crap you listen to. Vanilla Ice, anyone?!
• The "Porsche" vanity plate on your Porsche is a bit redundant, don't you think? Imagination is for douchebags, too!

<3,
Jane