Listen up, boys...
I'm about to break a cardinal rule of The Sisterhood.
I'm going to tell you what us girls talk about when you're not around.
I don't even know how this conversation began. It was an innocent enough conversation to begin with. There were 3 of us huddled around my computer screen working on a client's project. And out of the blue, my co-worker, Josie, sighs and says, "It's going to be a long night tonight. It's my night to throw in the B.J. pony-o*."
I decide to take the bait. "The B.J. pony-o?" I ask.
"Yeah. Once a month, I throw my hair in a ponytail with a special scrunchy that I only use for this occasion. When my husband sees the scrunchy, he gets his happy face. I call it the Blow Job Pony-o," she says matter of factly.
"Once a month, hmm?" I ask. "Is this a pre-arranged timetable for B.J.'s"
"No, it's just how often I have to do it to keep him off my ass," she says.
"Ugh!" Amy, the other co-worker, says, "I'm Jewish. We don't do that."
So I'm wondering, what makes this THE pony-o to wear exclusively for this sole purpose?
Is this some kind of special pony-o? Is it made with some sort of special fabric? Some sort of sperm resistant material that makes it impervious to backsplash?
I imagine it must be paisley print. Kind of like a sperm camouflage.
And does the very sight of this magic pony-o insight a Pavlovian reaction in her husband? All she has to do is slip on the scrunchy and her husband begins salivating and frothing with pre-B.J. anticipation? Cue the mental bad '70's porn music. Bow chicka wow wow....
FYI, an informal (read: under the radar of management) office poll resulted in the following data:
Religious Denomination vs. Frequency of B.J. Performing Duties
Non-denominational Christian - Once a month
Baptists - I was embarrassed to even ask. Even dancing is a sin! (Footloose, anyone?!)
Catholics - Correlated directly to the number of times a month they go to confession
Agnostics - As often as it takes to get reciprocal "Lower Unit Maintenence"
Jews - Ew! We don't do that!
Gentlemen, I have done the research. You do what you will with this knowledge.
<3,
~Jane
* Glossary of terms:
Pony-o - (n.) Midwest term for anything used to hold one's hair in a ponytail.
Scrunchy - (n.) An elastic pony-o covered with scrunched up fabric.
Lower Unit Maintenence - (n.) The act of going downtown.
OR
Lower Unit Maintenence - (n.) The act of maintaining the playing field (mowing the lawn).
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3 comments:
Greatness! I never had any sisters and was horrible with women for over 20 years, hence, am years behind understanding is going on behind the curtains. Always entertaining!
First..to pick nits, lower unit maintenance ought to be a verb.
Second I must be odd, but I prefer to mow than get a pony-o
First - Picking nits and L.U.M. should never, I repeat never, be used in the same sentence.
Second - When described as "the act of" it becomes a noun. It's a thing not an action. Let's do some sentence dissection, shall we?
I need to do some Lower Unit Maintenance.
I - subject
need to do - the verb phrase/predicate
some Lower Unit Maintenance - predicate noun modifier phrase (defines what I need to do.
Had I said "maintenance" alone in the sentence it would still be a noun because it's a thing, not an action. If I "maintained" something it would be a verb.*
But I still <3 you anyway, Mikesell.
Third - all guys say that. I've never seen a guy with a frowny face when offering up a "Pony-O".
*Bet you never thought you'd be getting higher education from a blow job post, eh?
<3,
Jane
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